The next step to take after identifying the people who behave badly, bully or upset you is to determine the people who generate the exact opposite feelings.
Just like any fighter entering the ring, you need people in your corner backing you up, supporting you and giving you advice for what to do next.
[continued from Identify Who Behaves Badly: Respect Lesson 7]
Everyone needs and deserves two to three people in their corner
Here are the worksheets you need to help you determine who the people are, who REALLY are in your corner, not the ones you think SHOULD be in your corner.
Who’s In Your Corner? When I’m Around These People, I Feel… (worksheet)
This next tool is designed to map out how you feel around the people in your life.
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- safe (extremely important)
- on the same team
If you want to add in more words, you can choose the ones that mean something to you.
- Get a blank sheet of paper. Write “Who’s In Your Corner? When I’m Around These People, I Feel…” as a title at the top of the page.
- Fill in names across the top of the page.
- Along the side of the page, write down the list of positive feelings.
- Work through the list, placing an “X” next to the ones that apply to each person.
- Total the number of positive feelings for each person’s column. How many “X”s did you give them?
- Total the row to determine how important that quality is to you. That means combine the total score for the row to see how many “X”s you placed in the “safe” row, for example.
- High numbers would suggest that you seek out people who make you feel this way.
- Low numbers suggest that quality isn’t important to you or else you need to find someone who can add this quality in for you.
- Make an evaluation based on everyone’s score to determine who you feel are the Top 3 Contenders to be in your corner.
- You can have more than three people in your corner. It helps to have depth just in case someone is unavailable when you need their help or advice.
Answer the following questions:
What did you learn about the people on your list? Any surprises?
Who have you been under-appreciating given how much you enjoy or rely upon them?
Make a plan to let people know how much you enjoy having their love and friendship.
Who’s In My Corner? I need three rock solid relationships for support (Worksheet)
Sometimes, who you think is in your corner and who really IS in your corner don’t match.
This next tool called the “Who’s In My Corner? I need three rock solid relationships for support” tool will help you to map out what’s really going on with the people in your life.
Please don’t expect anyone to be perfect.
No one is. The people in your life can’t always be available for you in the way that you’d like them to be. Everyone does their best. Once you’ve mapped out a few people, you’ll get curious and map out a few more. That’s a good idea. You might be in for a surprise.
The people who are most supportive of you may not be the people who are the closest to you or the ones you share intimate moments with.
Just because someone is family doesn’t mean he or she knows what to do or how to help when your feelings are hurt or you’re angry over someone bullying you. People who get just as riled up as you over infractions might not be your best choice.
Choose people who help you get rational, fast.
If you think about it, when a fighter chooses the people he (or she) wants in his corner, he wants someone who is looking at the fight with a cool head. To direct the fighter’s game plan for the next round requires a rational, responsible and knowledgeable thinker.
Who plays this role most effectively for you?
Don’t blame people who aren’t capable of being good corner men (corner-people).
Don’t expect people to be something they’re not.
Your corner men have special talents. Treat them like gold.
“Who’s In My Corner? I need three rock solid relationships for support” tool (Instructions)
Get a blank sheet of paper. Write “Who’s In My Corner? I need three rock solid relationships for support” as the title across the top of the page. Write in names of people you want to review for potential corner men (corner-people) across the top of the page.
Fill in your response for each question: always, sometimes or never
- Length of time known
- Role in my life
- My guard is up around you
- I trust you
- I rely on you to restore balance when I’m off
- I reach towards you when I am in pain
- I feel at home around you
- You are available to me
- You know exactly what to say to me
- You stay clear-headed and don’t always buy my story
- You encourage me to learn and improve
- After speaking to you, I feel replenished
At the bottom of each person’s column, choose whether their support is rock, paper or scissors – solid, flimsy or painful.
Decide who you want in your corner. Make a plan to let people know why you consider them your corner-people and why you’ve chosen them. Start relying on them!
Good corner people are worth their weight in gold
Answer the following question: who have I been relying on to be a good corner- person, when in fact, they are NOT my best first choice?
Forgive them! That’s not what they’re good at.
People serve different roles in your life
Let them be good at those things. But don’t expect that – just because someone is your wife – that she would be good at cornering (giving good advice for how to handle bullying behavior).
One of the most important ways to prepare yourself for battle in each upcoming encounter is to sort through what is an emotional response and what is a rational one.
Your corner people will do that for you. They will keep you straight, coherent and capable.
For some people, just sorting through who is in their corner when things get rough will be enough. They won’t need any more coaching for handling the bullies in their life.
Some people will read this workbook (series of Respect Lessons), ignore the exercises and think they can solve the problem by having powerful people at work in their corner.
That might work, but for a different reason.
- Excellent corner people know how to be gentle, yet firm with their fighter.
- They know what to say (in less than a minute between rounds) to maintain courage and confidence.
- Their relationship with the fighter is close and warm, not functional and distant.
I’m cautioning you – and urging you – to fill out the tools (just do it) and see if the people you think are best for you, really are.
Consider me your Chief Corner Person (CCP)
If you need more, I’m here to help. The best fighters are constantly improving their game. Boxers work on their jab (their lead punch) over the life time of their fighting career. They’re constantly seeking improvements to stay ahead of their opponents.
Here is how you can continue to work with me:
- Stay tuned for more posts that will be developed to address more strategies and tactics for navigating life with a bully.
- Visit my blog to see the latest “Respect Lessons” posts.
photo credit: Cheryl Ragsdale, “Who’s In Your Corner? When I’m Around These People, I Feel… (worksheet)” © 2011 All Rights Reserved and “Who’s In My Corner? I need three rock solid relationships for support” tool © 2011 All Rights Reserved, Kenny Florian and Keith Florian, Greg Jackson and Jon Jones, Manny Pacquiao and Freddie Roach, man with child
This post is from an e-book written by me entitled, “So, You Lost the First Round – The Workbook”. Read the whole series for a course in gaining respect and support.